Today my baby boy turns one. I know for some people this might not sound like a huge deal, but for us, for him, it is. Almost a year ago we got the call that a preemie baby boy in the NICU needed a family. That call I answered on a Friday afternoon in the middle of the drive-thru coffee hut changed our lives, and his, forever.
My husband and I have been talking about adopting since we were dating over 13 years ago. So when we got the phone call about our son, this was an answer to prayer. An answer to a calling we had been ready for, for a very long time.
Today as we celebrate him and all he has accomplished in this last year, and through all my excitement, I can't help but be a little sad. Being adopted myself, I always think of my birth mom on my birthday. Wondering if she is thinking of me and what her life is like, and what it must feel like to be reminded every year on Oct 9th (and probably everyday) what it felt like to willingly let her child go, hoping and praying that this was the right decision for the both of us. So now I get to think of my son's birth mom and what she must be feeling on this day. Especially this first birthday of his. As a mother of 3 bioligical children I can't help but grieve a little for Jude's birthmother. I have no idea what life is like for her right now. But I can guarantee she is thinking of him today, wondering what life is like for him. I want so badly for her to know how much he is loved, cherished and adored. Not only by my husband and me, but also by his brothers and sister. All we can do at this point is be thankful, not only that she was willing to "give him a better life", but thankful that God orchestrated this whole thing. That when my husband and I were dating back in college and discussing adopting, that God knew it would be Jude. He planned for him to be a part of our family just as much as Cheyenne, JD and Chase. And possibly ______, ________, _______......who knows what the future holds for our family, thankfully God does!
So as we are singing Happy Birthday, letting him dig into cake, giving him kisses, opening gifts and telling him how much we love him (as we do everyday), know that we are thinking of his birth mom too. Praying that through all of this, that she will come to know Christ as her Savior, and know that through all the pain and second-guessing, that God always had this plan for her little boy. And that we love him just as much as his siblings, and even through the challenges he may face in the future due to circumstances out of his (and our) control, we will love him all the same, and we will raise him to know the love of God. Will you please pray for her today, too?
Susan
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Southwest OK Newborn Photographer | RVP Workshop
I know it's been a few months; but I really wanted to blog about this, and since we JUST moved and have gotten semi-settled I have a little time right now. Plus the baby is sleeping and the older kids are playing nicely with Legos, so let's do this!
Back in May I was able to attend a Rachel Vanoven newborn workshop! I've followed her for awhile because I just love her work, her personality and the fact that she's a family girl. She's a mom like me, we are the same age and she just seems down to earth and REAL; which can be hard to find in this business! So when the opportunity to attend one of her workshops came up, I jumped at it; even though I was going to Indy all the way from Alaska! It was definitely an investment, but I was ready to take this step for my business! Thankfully I was able to meet up with a fellow RVP follower at the workshop who I had been talking to online for a while. (And thanks to her, I have these awesome pictures of me in action at the workshop, thank yoooouuuu, Marina!!!)
Let's see; the night before the workshop, all the girls met up with Rachel for dinner. It was pretty relaxed and a fun time getting to know a little bit about everyone. The perfect way to get those pre-workshop jitters out; this way you know who you will be spending the next day with and not have those awkward hello's at the actual workshop. Rachel was definitely the girl I thought she'd be; sweet, funny, authentic and just a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. You've only met her 10 minutes ago and you feel like you've known her a lifetime.
The next day was workshop day; my friend and I were stoked and ready for some serious learning! Pretty sure it took awhile for both of us to fall asleep the night before! ;) We showed up and got to chat a little before the first model arrived. Rachel showed us around the studio and went over what she does to prepare for the session. Without going into too much detail; there were 3 models total for the day; 2 in the morning and 1 after lunch. With each model we worked on angles and she showed us how she poses the baby and how to perfect the shot. Rachel was super patient with us if one of us (or all of us) were having a hard time getting the angle right. Throughout the whole day she was telling us tips and tricks and little tidbits that she has learned over the years. Of course, many of these had me thinking, "Really?! Why didn't I think of that?!" Ha, but I guess that's why we photographers who want to better our business take a workshop like this! Is it going to make you a stellar-amazeballs-top of-the-notch-photographer in one day? No. Will you learn something new and walk away with the confidence you had always been wanting? YES! I can't tell you how awesome this workshop was. It was such a fun experience from beginning to end! Rachel was such a pleasure to meet, shes funny and just easy to be around. She truly wants to help you better your skills and see you succeed! Of course all the other photographers in the group were amazing too; we now have friendships and connections thanks to the workshop!
After the models had left; we went over her editing process and had an open time for questions. It was nice to just relax and ask about whatever was on our mind. Afterwords we all went out to dinner for tacos and margaritas. We shared some good laughs about the day and got pictures with each other before we all went our separate ways. It was like the day you never wanted to end; doing something I love while learning new things and hanging out with some pretty cool ladies, doesn't get much better then that!
It was such a fun experience, one I'll never forget! I learned a ton, made some good friends, and walked away with the confidence in newborn photography that I had been trying to find for 3 years. If you are contemplating going to a workshop and are ready to take your business to another level, then DO IT!! You won't regret it!
Here are some photos of me in action, provided by my friend, Marina. And a couple photos that I took from the workshop! All newborn posing and styling done by Rachel.
~Susan
Back in May I was able to attend a Rachel Vanoven newborn workshop! I've followed her for awhile because I just love her work, her personality and the fact that she's a family girl. She's a mom like me, we are the same age and she just seems down to earth and REAL; which can be hard to find in this business! So when the opportunity to attend one of her workshops came up, I jumped at it; even though I was going to Indy all the way from Alaska! It was definitely an investment, but I was ready to take this step for my business! Thankfully I was able to meet up with a fellow RVP follower at the workshop who I had been talking to online for a while. (And thanks to her, I have these awesome pictures of me in action at the workshop, thank yoooouuuu, Marina!!!)
Let's see; the night before the workshop, all the girls met up with Rachel for dinner. It was pretty relaxed and a fun time getting to know a little bit about everyone. The perfect way to get those pre-workshop jitters out; this way you know who you will be spending the next day with and not have those awkward hello's at the actual workshop. Rachel was definitely the girl I thought she'd be; sweet, funny, authentic and just a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. You've only met her 10 minutes ago and you feel like you've known her a lifetime.
The next day was workshop day; my friend and I were stoked and ready for some serious learning! Pretty sure it took awhile for both of us to fall asleep the night before! ;) We showed up and got to chat a little before the first model arrived. Rachel showed us around the studio and went over what she does to prepare for the session. Without going into too much detail; there were 3 models total for the day; 2 in the morning and 1 after lunch. With each model we worked on angles and she showed us how she poses the baby and how to perfect the shot. Rachel was super patient with us if one of us (or all of us) were having a hard time getting the angle right. Throughout the whole day she was telling us tips and tricks and little tidbits that she has learned over the years. Of course, many of these had me thinking, "Really?! Why didn't I think of that?!" Ha, but I guess that's why we photographers who want to better our business take a workshop like this! Is it going to make you a stellar-amazeballs-top of-the-notch-photographer in one day? No. Will you learn something new and walk away with the confidence you had always been wanting? YES! I can't tell you how awesome this workshop was. It was such a fun experience from beginning to end! Rachel was such a pleasure to meet, shes funny and just easy to be around. She truly wants to help you better your skills and see you succeed! Of course all the other photographers in the group were amazing too; we now have friendships and connections thanks to the workshop!
After the models had left; we went over her editing process and had an open time for questions. It was nice to just relax and ask about whatever was on our mind. Afterwords we all went out to dinner for tacos and margaritas. We shared some good laughs about the day and got pictures with each other before we all went our separate ways. It was like the day you never wanted to end; doing something I love while learning new things and hanging out with some pretty cool ladies, doesn't get much better then that!
It was such a fun experience, one I'll never forget! I learned a ton, made some good friends, and walked away with the confidence in newborn photography that I had been trying to find for 3 years. If you are contemplating going to a workshop and are ready to take your business to another level, then DO IT!! You won't regret it!
Here are some photos of me in action, provided by my friend, Marina. And a couple photos that I took from the workshop! All newborn posing and styling done by Rachel.
~Susan
Susan
Wetlesen Photography specializes in newborn,
birth, family and lifestyle photography
in Southwest Oklahoma and surrounding areas including but not limited
to Lawton, Wichita Falls and Altus.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Smith Island Cake Nom Nom Nom
We've been learning about the 50 states for the kids' geography lessons. Along with the lesson comes a recipe typically including the states "official food". Recently (ok like a month ago because I've put off blogging this) we learned about Maryland. The recipe that came along with Maryland was "Smith Island Cake". Beginning in the 1800's Smith Islanders would send these cakes with the men when they went to the Autumn Oyster Harvest. It typically consists of 10 thin layers and frosted with fudge instead of buttercream as the fudge would last longer. Obviously this sounded delish and I like a good baking challenge; ask my sister-in-law Hope, we up and tried baking a checker cake on a whim one night just because we were bored. :) It didn't come out as pretty as this 10 layer cake did, but man it was SOOOOO good; chocolate cake, white cake, raspberry filling and cream cheese frosting........ excuse me while I go wipe away the drool.
Ahem, anyway.
So, Thursday night before our small group Cheyenne and I worked together on this cake. And by worked together I mean, Cheyenne played in the flour and once she tired of that off she went to play with her friends, leaving her mom to make a 10 LAYER CAKE ALL BY HERSELF, let's not forget all the awhile attending to a wee one! But, have no fear, the cake was a lot easier then I thought it was going to be! Even a novice baker could make this! I promise! The key here are the aluminum cake pans, ya know, the ones you just throw away. This way your not only baking two layers at a time and having to spend all day baking/cooling/cleaning; repeat. You can bake 3-4 pans at a time and have the next ones ready to pop in right away.
I used this recipe from Bakerella. She used a 12 layer recipe, which is what we made too, but we only put together 10 layers since the actual Smith Island Cake is only 10. Don't worry the other 2 didn't go to waste, but rather were ravaged by hungry neighbor kids in and out of the kitchen while I was assembling the cake. I did also make the chocolate cream cheese buttercream frosting for mine too, but mine wasn't dark chocolate. It definitely looked better with the buttercream frosted on it instead of just the drippy fudge icing. It was a hit at small group! It's very rich so everyone had a sliver of the cake, but it must not be that rich, because someone, I won't mention who, but someone had like 3 pieces of the cake the next day, starting with one for breakfast. So, really it can't be THAT rich right?
Ok, now go buy disposable cake pans and hop to! Let me know if you make it and how it comes out! I promise it's one of those impressive but easy recipes! ;)
~Susan
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
If I Could Write A Letter To Me
Do you listen to country music? If so, you've probably heard that Brad Paisley song; "If I Could Write A Letter To Me". It's basically a song about how if he could, he would go back in time and tell himself not to worry over simple things that seemed to be such a major crises to him in his high school days. We all know what that's like. Middle school/high school probably got the best of us. We thought we had SO much responsibility and so many worries when in fact, we really had no clue what was to come.
So, in trying to come up with something to write about, this song came on. It made me think, what a great blog post this would be! Make your own version of the song! Of course, mine won't be all
rhyme-y and cute, but it will be REAL. So here it goes:
Oh Suzy-Q,
High school days are fun, but they aren't the end all, so I'm here to let you in on a few secrets:
Spend more time with your dad. You won't have much longer with him. Laugh more at his corny jokes as they will become important to you later on. Don't be intimidated by him, he's a bigger softie then you think. Tell him you love him more, and when he offers for you to do something with him, whatever it may be, take him up on that offer. The more memories you can make with him, the better. Know that loosing him will be the hardest time in your life up until now, but it will prepare you for dealing with future losses.
Stop chasing that boy who claims to love you but won't even return your phone calls, he really only cares about himself. Listen to what other people say about him and take it into consideration. Don't let him back in your life when your dad dies, he's just trying to take advantage of the situation! Take off your blinds and and be patient, someone better will be along soon enough. He will be a gentleman, he will become your best friend and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He will open your car doors, give you undivided attention and fall in love with you after your first date (and you'll make the most beautiful 9lb babies together:) It might not be the person you envisioned yourself with, but he will be so much more to you then you could ever dream of! And, you won't find a better set of in-laws who will love you and care for you just as much as their own children (it's true, those kind of in-laws do exist!)
Pick up your mom's camera and learn how to use it! Take a photography class in high school! You'll need it one day! Stop rolling your eyes when your mom wants to take 10 (million) pictures just to be sure she got one good one; you'll understand why someday!
You probably won't believe me on this one; but childhood friends won't be there for you forever. Time is not what makes a friendship strong. As you mature you'll realize your priorities aren't the same, and that's ok. You'll meet people who have the same goals, beliefs and faith and that's where your true friendships will be found. You'll get burned once, shame on them, you'll get burned twice, three times and more, shame on you. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and know when to walk away. Listen to your inner voice telling you you've had enough. The sooner you do, the easier it will be and the less disappointment you'll have to endure. Surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded people is what God wants for you.
Don't be such a brat on your trip to England over the summer just because you had to leave a boy behind. This is a once in a lifetime trip, and with that attitude you'll miss out of the beautiful scenery and learning about history. You'll one day so badly wish you could go back with a better attitude and enjoy the trip to the fullest. The boy will be there when you get back, I promise!
Breaking your foot your senior year of volleyball season isn't the end of the world, but yes, it's gonna stink!! Enjoy being part of the team anyway, you'll miss the camaraderie that a sports team brings.
Don't quit Jubilation (youth church choir). You'll miss being with your friends and wish you hadn't quit. You'll be jealous of the fun they have on their summer trips and be mad at yourself knowing you could have been there with them too.
Pick up a book and read more often. You'll love reading when you're older but won't have the time to as much as you'd like, so learn to enjoy it now!
Don't be scared of change; starting a new school in 11th grade will be one of the best decisions, even though a hard one! You'll make better friends and meet your future husband. This decision will give you the encouragement, support and confidence to get through the loss of your father. You'll have more opportunities to play sports and be involved the way you wish you could have been at your previous school, and the teachers will actually care about your loss and be sensitive to it.
Don't get that perm in 12th grade. Enough said.
Go with your mom more often to visit your Grandma. You won't get to say goodbye because you'll be out of state dealing with another loss when she gets sick and passes away. So, enjoy the monotoney of watching Jeopardy, Wheel-of Fortune and Murder She Wrote with her, even if there are other things you'd rather be doing, you'll miss the simplicity of her visits and the company of her sweet demeanor.
Cut the attitude because you know how your mom says "One day you'll have a girl JUST like you"
???
Well it's true. Maybe you can prevent having to deal with her attitude if you can learn to loose yours now ;) Hey it's worth the shot, TRUST me!!
Sincerely,
Your future/wiser self
Once I got writing, I could have included a TON more! Most of which though, I wouldn't want to share publicly. But, I'm sure we can all relate. What if you wrote a letter to yourself? What do you wish you knew then that you know now? I'm sure 10-20 years from now I'll have more advice for myself. With that, I'm saying good-bye; going to turn off the tv and spend some time with my kids; as I'm sure that will be at the top of my list in 20 years, man they grow so fast!
If you write a letter to yourself, would you mind sharing? I'd love to read it!
~Susan
So, in trying to come up with something to write about, this song came on. It made me think, what a great blog post this would be! Make your own version of the song! Of course, mine won't be all
rhyme-y and cute, but it will be REAL. So here it goes:
Oh Suzy-Q,
High school days are fun, but they aren't the end all, so I'm here to let you in on a few secrets:
Spend more time with your dad. You won't have much longer with him. Laugh more at his corny jokes as they will become important to you later on. Don't be intimidated by him, he's a bigger softie then you think. Tell him you love him more, and when he offers for you to do something with him, whatever it may be, take him up on that offer. The more memories you can make with him, the better. Know that loosing him will be the hardest time in your life up until now, but it will prepare you for dealing with future losses.
Stop chasing that boy who claims to love you but won't even return your phone calls, he really only cares about himself. Listen to what other people say about him and take it into consideration. Don't let him back in your life when your dad dies, he's just trying to take advantage of the situation! Take off your blinds and and be patient, someone better will be along soon enough. He will be a gentleman, he will become your best friend and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He will open your car doors, give you undivided attention and fall in love with you after your first date (and you'll make the most beautiful 9lb babies together:) It might not be the person you envisioned yourself with, but he will be so much more to you then you could ever dream of! And, you won't find a better set of in-laws who will love you and care for you just as much as their own children (it's true, those kind of in-laws do exist!)
Pick up your mom's camera and learn how to use it! Take a photography class in high school! You'll need it one day! Stop rolling your eyes when your mom wants to take 10 (million) pictures just to be sure she got one good one; you'll understand why someday!
You probably won't believe me on this one; but childhood friends won't be there for you forever. Time is not what makes a friendship strong. As you mature you'll realize your priorities aren't the same, and that's ok. You'll meet people who have the same goals, beliefs and faith and that's where your true friendships will be found. You'll get burned once, shame on them, you'll get burned twice, three times and more, shame on you. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and know when to walk away. Listen to your inner voice telling you you've had enough. The sooner you do, the easier it will be and the less disappointment you'll have to endure. Surrounding yourself with positive, like-minded people is what God wants for you.
Don't be such a brat on your trip to England over the summer just because you had to leave a boy behind. This is a once in a lifetime trip, and with that attitude you'll miss out of the beautiful scenery and learning about history. You'll one day so badly wish you could go back with a better attitude and enjoy the trip to the fullest. The boy will be there when you get back, I promise!
Breaking your foot your senior year of volleyball season isn't the end of the world, but yes, it's gonna stink!! Enjoy being part of the team anyway, you'll miss the camaraderie that a sports team brings.
Don't quit Jubilation (youth church choir). You'll miss being with your friends and wish you hadn't quit. You'll be jealous of the fun they have on their summer trips and be mad at yourself knowing you could have been there with them too.
Pick up a book and read more often. You'll love reading when you're older but won't have the time to as much as you'd like, so learn to enjoy it now!
Don't be scared of change; starting a new school in 11th grade will be one of the best decisions, even though a hard one! You'll make better friends and meet your future husband. This decision will give you the encouragement, support and confidence to get through the loss of your father. You'll have more opportunities to play sports and be involved the way you wish you could have been at your previous school, and the teachers will actually care about your loss and be sensitive to it.
Don't get that perm in 12th grade. Enough said.
Go with your mom more often to visit your Grandma. You won't get to say goodbye because you'll be out of state dealing with another loss when she gets sick and passes away. So, enjoy the monotoney of watching Jeopardy, Wheel-of Fortune and Murder She Wrote with her, even if there are other things you'd rather be doing, you'll miss the simplicity of her visits and the company of her sweet demeanor.
Cut the attitude because you know how your mom says "One day you'll have a girl JUST like you"
???
Well it's true. Maybe you can prevent having to deal with her attitude if you can learn to loose yours now ;) Hey it's worth the shot, TRUST me!!
Sincerely,
Your future/wiser self
Once I got writing, I could have included a TON more! Most of which though, I wouldn't want to share publicly. But, I'm sure we can all relate. What if you wrote a letter to yourself? What do you wish you knew then that you know now? I'm sure 10-20 years from now I'll have more advice for myself. With that, I'm saying good-bye; going to turn off the tv and spend some time with my kids; as I'm sure that will be at the top of my list in 20 years, man they grow so fast!
If you write a letter to yourself, would you mind sharing? I'd love to read it!
~Susan
Thursday, March 13, 2014
14 Years Feels Like A Lifetime
14 years.
Wait, what?!?
Has it really been 14 years since that heart-stopping, gut-turning, life-altering phone call came through? Has it really been 14 years since I was just a naive 10th grader without a clue of what true pain meant; until this stormy Monday night? I was only 16. My world had consisted of what my weekend plans were going to be, if my looser-of-a-boyfriend was ever going to call me back, what the note from my friend passed between science and study hall said, where I could park at school so no one would see me exiting out of the passenger side of the truck because my door handle from the inside wouldn't work. No, no I had no idea what it meant to have big-girl problems. But Monday, March 13th I grew up; a lot, and quickly.
We had driven to the hospital not knowing the worst was yet to come. My mom and I were still hopeful. Praying and pleading that my dad would be ok when we got there. Unfortunately we were put into one of those tiny rooms that no one wants to ever set foot in. The room that's just big enough for immediate family. The room with walls so bare all you can do is look at the ground or the ceiling and you don't dare look at each other because if you do, you will see it. You will see in each others eyes what the other is thinking, and that it will confirm that you are thinking the same thing. Then it happened. The heartless nurse waltzed in and announced exactly what we were praying and pleading we wouldn't have to hear.
All I could think and say was "He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now." And then I sat in the hall of the hospital and bawled my eyeballs out.
Where do you go from there? Sometimes it seems so surreal that I went thru such tragic loss. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. It's amazing the details you remember when you go through something like that, but yet the memory of what everyday life around him was like has faded. His voice is fading, his laugh is fading. Yet some memories are so real I can close my eyes and almost be in that moment with him. At the house he grew up in on West Virginia soil- making colby-jack toasted bread in the toaster oven and walking out to the pond listening to old mountaineer stories. Sitting out on the front porch and watching the trains go by, heading into "town" for dinner at one of the only two restaurants. Helping with the family reunions that he so dearly loved, being so proud to watch him stand up and talk about family like there was nothing else in the world. Being handed a roll of quarters to play games in the arcade at the reunion resort and being told not to spend it all at once. Having him ask me "Hey wanna go for a ride?"(in his truck) and somehow always ending up at the Steak and Shake drive-thru for a strawberry milkshake, and having him offer a nickel for my thoughts on the way home. Going to school late at night with him to prep the donuts and orange juice to sell in the morning. And probably one of my favorites; going to his office to eat lunch with him (or to use his TV when he was out ;) and finding notes from him in my lunch that I had left in his fridge.
There are more memories; specific ones like above. But honestly the everyday memory is gone. And that's ok. We are human. We are not made to remember everything. Life goes on and we make new memories, but we hold fast to those big ones, specific ones that never escape our mind bank. As I was saying to my friend recently, just because their memory fades, doesn't mean we love them any less. It doesn't mean we miss them any less. I miss my dad just as much now as I did that dark and stormy Monday-night-before-pi-day (as a math teacher, it was one of his favorite day's at school).
I hate that I can't imagine what it would be like to have him here right this second. To sit on the couch with me and tell me it's going to be ok. I don't know what it would be like to see him interact with my children, other then the fact I know there would be a lot of giggling going on! But dwelling on that too long doesn't do any one any good. I've learned to be thankful to having even known him and the joy he brought to others. Just because I don't spend everyday of my life sad and angry doesn't mean I don't love him or miss him any less then I already do. It's just that I've decided to choose the other path. The one where I know he's in Heaven. I know he's praising God, and what better place to be?!? My humanly desire is to have him here with me and my family, with my children and one day their children, but my soul is thankful that he knew and believed in the One who is mighty to save! Thankful that one day we will meet again. I know it's easy for people to use this whole idea as a "way out" of their sadness, but I truly believe it. I can still hear his deep voice singing "It Is Well With My Soul". What an amazing song and story; Horatio Spafford wrote it while passing over the same spot where his four daughters died in a voyage to Europe. He had also lost two 4 year old sons (at different times in life) to scarlet fever. If he can get through that, then I can get through my past trials and help my friends through their current one.
14 years feels like a lifetime; and technically it is. There's my life before I lost my dad, and my life after. I've now lived more then half my life without him. But life must go on. We can't daily grieve for the lost because we still have the living. I still need to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
Thank you dad for your humor, your compassion and your love. You are greatly missed, everyday.
Please hug on David for me, say hi to Zeke for me, and please make sure to meet sweet Jubilee. Her big eyes will make you melt!
Love your daughter,
Susan
Wait, what?!?
Has it really been 14 years since that heart-stopping, gut-turning, life-altering phone call came through? Has it really been 14 years since I was just a naive 10th grader without a clue of what true pain meant; until this stormy Monday night? I was only 16. My world had consisted of what my weekend plans were going to be, if my looser-of-a-boyfriend was ever going to call me back, what the note from my friend passed between science and study hall said, where I could park at school so no one would see me exiting out of the passenger side of the truck because my door handle from the inside wouldn't work. No, no I had no idea what it meant to have big-girl problems. But Monday, March 13th I grew up; a lot, and quickly.
We had driven to the hospital not knowing the worst was yet to come. My mom and I were still hopeful. Praying and pleading that my dad would be ok when we got there. Unfortunately we were put into one of those tiny rooms that no one wants to ever set foot in. The room that's just big enough for immediate family. The room with walls so bare all you can do is look at the ground or the ceiling and you don't dare look at each other because if you do, you will see it. You will see in each others eyes what the other is thinking, and that it will confirm that you are thinking the same thing. Then it happened. The heartless nurse waltzed in and announced exactly what we were praying and pleading we wouldn't have to hear.
All I could think and say was "He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now. He's in Heaven now." And then I sat in the hall of the hospital and bawled my eyeballs out.
Where do you go from there? Sometimes it seems so surreal that I went thru such tragic loss. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. It's amazing the details you remember when you go through something like that, but yet the memory of what everyday life around him was like has faded. His voice is fading, his laugh is fading. Yet some memories are so real I can close my eyes and almost be in that moment with him. At the house he grew up in on West Virginia soil- making colby-jack toasted bread in the toaster oven and walking out to the pond listening to old mountaineer stories. Sitting out on the front porch and watching the trains go by, heading into "town" for dinner at one of the only two restaurants. Helping with the family reunions that he so dearly loved, being so proud to watch him stand up and talk about family like there was nothing else in the world. Being handed a roll of quarters to play games in the arcade at the reunion resort and being told not to spend it all at once. Having him ask me "Hey wanna go for a ride?"(in his truck) and somehow always ending up at the Steak and Shake drive-thru for a strawberry milkshake, and having him offer a nickel for my thoughts on the way home. Going to school late at night with him to prep the donuts and orange juice to sell in the morning. And probably one of my favorites; going to his office to eat lunch with him (or to use his TV when he was out ;) and finding notes from him in my lunch that I had left in his fridge.
There are more memories; specific ones like above. But honestly the everyday memory is gone. And that's ok. We are human. We are not made to remember everything. Life goes on and we make new memories, but we hold fast to those big ones, specific ones that never escape our mind bank. As I was saying to my friend recently, just because their memory fades, doesn't mean we love them any less. It doesn't mean we miss them any less. I miss my dad just as much now as I did that dark and stormy Monday-night-before-pi-day (as a math teacher, it was one of his favorite day's at school).
I hate that I can't imagine what it would be like to have him here right this second. To sit on the couch with me and tell me it's going to be ok. I don't know what it would be like to see him interact with my children, other then the fact I know there would be a lot of giggling going on! But dwelling on that too long doesn't do any one any good. I've learned to be thankful to having even known him and the joy he brought to others. Just because I don't spend everyday of my life sad and angry doesn't mean I don't love him or miss him any less then I already do. It's just that I've decided to choose the other path. The one where I know he's in Heaven. I know he's praising God, and what better place to be?!? My humanly desire is to have him here with me and my family, with my children and one day their children, but my soul is thankful that he knew and believed in the One who is mighty to save! Thankful that one day we will meet again. I know it's easy for people to use this whole idea as a "way out" of their sadness, but I truly believe it. I can still hear his deep voice singing "It Is Well With My Soul". What an amazing song and story; Horatio Spafford wrote it while passing over the same spot where his four daughters died in a voyage to Europe. He had also lost two 4 year old sons (at different times in life) to scarlet fever. If he can get through that, then I can get through my past trials and help my friends through their current one.
14 years feels like a lifetime; and technically it is. There's my life before I lost my dad, and my life after. I've now lived more then half my life without him. But life must go on. We can't daily grieve for the lost because we still have the living. I still need to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
Thank you dad for your humor, your compassion and your love. You are greatly missed, everyday.
Please hug on David for me, say hi to Zeke for me, and please make sure to meet sweet Jubilee. Her big eyes will make you melt!
Love your daughter,
Susan
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Jubilee Hope - Couldn't Be A More Perfect Name
No doubt this weekend has been a first for us. It has brought us
closer (in our marriage and also in our walk with Christ) in ways I cannot
describe. To see your best friends go through the unimaginable will bring you
back to reality and what's important in life quicker then the crack of a
lightning bolt.
It's been an amazing and eye opening experience to be alongside our
friends as their 3-month-old daughter fought the good fight. No parent should
have to bury their child, especially at such a young and fragile age. No parent
should endure multiple 911 calls, ambulance rides, CPR sessions and flat lining
with their infant. But alas, my friends did. They have endured the pain of
their daughter's disorder day in and day out for the last 6 weeks. Everyday started
with the question if this would be her last. Everyday they prayed for her,
loved on her, talked to her, smiled at her, sang to her, kissed on her and told
her in more ways then just their voice that they loved her more then words
could describe. There is no doubt she knew God's love for her through her
parent's actions. There is no doubt that Jesus has used her story to bring
people all over the country (even us) closer to Christ. There is no doubt that
this baby girl was born with greater purpose then we could ever imagine and
will ever understand.
This weekend we were blessed to be with our friends across the
country as they celebrated the short but highly impactful life of their
3-month-old daughter.
I distinctly remember the day they told us they were expecting their
third child. We were hanging out on the court after class at the gym. So giddy
and excited to share the good news we were smiling from ear to ear knowing they
had wanted this child so badly. But your life can change in the blink of an
eye. Having no idea they were both carriers of a genetic disorder, the news of
their daughter’s future was devastating.
But the story doesn't end there. There are many ways they could have
reacted; there are many ways they could have handled their new lifestyle. After
the initial shock and mental/emotional processing, they decided to give their
child joy. Instead of being bitter, upset, angry and revengeful, they chose to
spend their limited days thanking God for her and the opportunity to spend as
much time with their daughter as possible.
Our friends have inspired us, and many others, in ways that can only
come from God. We are so thankful to call them friends. It's amazing to see
God's plan unfold in areas you would least expect it. He knew exactly what He
was doing when we chose to live much further from the base then any of the
friends we already had at our new location; He knew Kristen and Nate would be
there. He knew Kristen and I would meet at a spouses’ function and hit it off
as friends right away. He knew our families would become close as we went
camping and riding over the summers together. And He knew they would be
enduring what every parent shouldn't, and that Gabriel and I would be there
every step of the way for them.
These last 6 weeks I have constantly been wishing I could take their
pain from them; that I could even take their place for them. Not that I want to
loose a child, but that I want to not see them suffer. Oh, what I would do to
ease their pain. But this is God's plan, and thankfully they have embraced that
truth and have been able to get through it with what only God's love and
comfort can do. To watch our friends endure the pain that God did as His Son
was crucified on the cross, is indescribable. But that's also exactly what
makes it so amazing, that we are reminded that God has gone through this
suffering as well. That He understands their pain and that He is here to
comfort them and guide them along the way.
Thank you Jesus for working in my friends' life. Thank You for
loving them in ways they might not even see or completely understand. Thank You
for allowing us to be with them this weekend and be able to witness what an
impact they and their daughter have had on their community. Thank You for
giving them the strength and courage to get through this and to tell others,
especially their daughters that You are the reason they can hold their head
high and continue on. Thank You for dying on the cross so Jubilee could go to
Heaven and be with You for eternity. Thank You for giving our friends the
understanding that she is no longer suffering but is forever praising Your
name, and that one day they will be able to join with her in the heavenly
chorus!
Now go and hug your loved ones tight and tell them you love them, because believe me, you never know when your last chance to do so will be!
"Christ alone, cornerstone.
Weak make strong in the Savior's love.
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all!"
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all!"
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Kid Friendly Chicken "Marsala"
Ok, so I'm fully aware that Marsala is a wine, and because this recipe does not include the wine, then really it can't be called Chicken Marsala! Right? True, but it reminds me of a kiddie version of Chicken Marsala, so thats what I'm going to call it; wine or not.
You basically coat and cook the chicken like you would for chicken parmesan (which is why its SO good)(also the secret is the dusting of flour before dipping in eggs and then the breadcrumbs)
but instead of making a wine sauce or using tomato sauce you use chicken broth and top with sautéed mushrooms, onions and garlic. I kinda threw this together so Im guessing on the amounts for everything, but exacts aren't important in cooking, only in baking, right? :)
Enjoy!
Kid Friendly Chicken "Marsala"
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
salt and pepper to taste
2 eggs
2 cups Italian bread crumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Begin by warming 2 TBSP of EVOO in a pan for sautéing. Add sliced mushrooms and onions and cook over medium heat until onions are almost translucent, then add garlic and cook for another 2 minutes. Take off heat and set aside.
Place chicken breasts between two sheets of heavy plastic (resealable freezer bags work well) on a solid surface. Firmly pound chicken with the smooth side of a meat mallet to a thickness of 1/2-inch. Season chicken thoroughly with salt and pepper.
Beat eggs in a shallow bowl and set aside
Mix bread crumbs and 1/4 cup Parmesan in a separate bowl, set aside
Sprinkle flour over chicken breasts, evenly coating both sides
Dip flour coated chicken breast in beaten eggs. Transfer breast to breadcrumb mixture, pressing the crumbs into both sides. Repeat for each breast.
Heat 1 cup olive oil in a large skillet on medium-high heat until it begins to shimmer. Cook chicken until golden, about 2 minutes on each side. The chicken will finish cooking in the oven.
Place chicken in sprayed 9x13 pan and top with mushroom and onion mixture. Pour chicken broth on top of chicken and place in oven for 15 minutes.
Top chicken with shredded or sliced mozzarella (or pepper jack for adults) and heat in oven for 5 more minutes or until melted and chicken is cooked through.
Serve with cooked rice or mashed potatoes and veggies of your choice! My kids gobbled this up and they normally complain about mushrooms :)
You basically coat and cook the chicken like you would for chicken parmesan (which is why its SO good)(also the secret is the dusting of flour before dipping in eggs and then the breadcrumbs)
but instead of making a wine sauce or using tomato sauce you use chicken broth and top with sautéed mushrooms, onions and garlic. I kinda threw this together so Im guessing on the amounts for everything, but exacts aren't important in cooking, only in baking, right? :)
Enjoy!
Kid Friendly Chicken "Marsala"
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
salt and pepper to taste
2 eggs
2 cups Italian bread crumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
2 TBSP flour, or more if needed
1 cup EVOO, plus 2 TBSP
1 package sliced white mushrooms
1/2 diced yellow or sweet onion
1 TBSP minced garlic, or more to taste
1 cup chicken broth
Mozzarella or Pepper Jack Cheese for melting on top
Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Begin by warming 2 TBSP of EVOO in a pan for sautéing. Add sliced mushrooms and onions and cook over medium heat until onions are almost translucent, then add garlic and cook for another 2 minutes. Take off heat and set aside.
Place chicken breasts between two sheets of heavy plastic (resealable freezer bags work well) on a solid surface. Firmly pound chicken with the smooth side of a meat mallet to a thickness of 1/2-inch. Season chicken thoroughly with salt and pepper.
Beat eggs in a shallow bowl and set aside
Mix bread crumbs and 1/4 cup Parmesan in a separate bowl, set aside
Sprinkle flour over chicken breasts, evenly coating both sides
Dip flour coated chicken breast in beaten eggs. Transfer breast to breadcrumb mixture, pressing the crumbs into both sides. Repeat for each breast.
Heat 1 cup olive oil in a large skillet on medium-high heat until it begins to shimmer. Cook chicken until golden, about 2 minutes on each side. The chicken will finish cooking in the oven.
Place chicken in sprayed 9x13 pan and top with mushroom and onion mixture. Pour chicken broth on top of chicken and place in oven for 15 minutes.
Top chicken with shredded or sliced mozzarella (or pepper jack for adults) and heat in oven for 5 more minutes or until melted and chicken is cooked through.
Serve with cooked rice or mashed potatoes and veggies of your choice! My kids gobbled this up and they normally complain about mushrooms :)
Let me know if you make it and how it turned out!
~Susan
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